The Past Revisited

It has been such a crazy few days - good things but crazy! Yet in the busyness I discovered (or rediscovered) another glimpse of just how good God has been to me over the years. It is one of those 'things' where you know God was watching out for you but it's like something is turned on in the very depths of your soul. Which only serves to bring up an overwhelming storm of emotions that... Well let me back up and set the stage if you will...

This time of year is always a heart tugging difficult time for me. Sunday will mark exactly 6 years since my mom passed away. There isn't a day that goes by that my heart does not ache for her. Although I know she is in a much better place I will miss her deeply until the day of our glorious reunion.

I have been learning over the last 6 years that my grief seems to go in waves - I've heard it gets easier although I don't really believe that - I think for me I have just learned how to control it (sometimes). How can it possibly - in reality - get any easier when this is the person who brought you into this world - the person who raised as mom and dad - who gave of herself sacrificially for her children (even when we couldn't see it). The person who was always - ALWAYS the constant in your life. It doesn't get any easier and I am okay with that.

I was talking with a lady last week whose mom is going through some health issues. She was very emotional as she tried to explain how sad her heart was. She said to me, "I am  not ready to let her go! I don't want to let her go! I want her here - I need her here!"

There was a whole flood of emotion and thought that swept over me as I listened and tried to encourage her. Praise God because He controlled the emotions (well for a little while anyway). Hearing her words of really deep despair and anguish over just the thought of losing the one constant in her life just made me realize just how much God had prepared me prior to Mom's passing.

I remember thinking those same things when I was younger - crying out to Him, "Oh God please don't take her now - I need her - I can't live without her - I, I, I,...." I know as a child I lived in the continual fear that something would happen to her and I would be alone. I mean why would I NOT think that way! I had a Dad who promised to be there and broke that promise many times over! So, it was easy for a child like me who felt things very deeply and could not verbalize the depth of her own thoughts, concerns, fears and sorrows - it was easy for me to think something would happen to her mom.

What I find interesting is I never thought she would just leave - I knew she would keep her promise - I was just afraid some thing would happen to her. Despite my fears and insecurities I knew that Mom's word was truth.

When it was apparent that it was time for Mom to go home to be with the Lord I had this overwhelming sense of peace - deep grief  for sure - but peace for sure. I heard God's voice tell me, "You're ready~ I am sufficient for you. I am your all encompassing Father and you need no one else."

I wish I could adequately express the depths of my heart that were touched by this realization. The comfort and peace that flooded my heart. Did it take the grief away? Absolutely not! Did it make the goodbye easier? Yes~

So yesterday as I as traveling to Orange County and listening to my rehearsal CD for singing this morning. All this came flooding into my heart and mind. Rehashing the conversation with this lady earlier in the week; reliving in my head the moments of 6 years ago; feeling the sadness knowing what this lady was going through....

And I hear, "The Fatherless they find their rest at the sound of Your Great name!" And the tears started to flow.That moment of fresh heart realization that Yes - I have found rest. Not in my own power but because of His Great Name.... It was very overwhelming. Then continuing to listen to the words of each song and remembering that it truly is because of His name - that is what has sustained me through out my whole life.


There are so many other things that went through my head and heart. Reliving those moments when you know God is with you, watching and loving you in a way no one else can. This is where that storm of emotions came in - There was nothing new or nothing I didn't already know. It was just one of those moments when you are reminded that revisiting the past reminds you of God's goodness and reminds you of just how much He loves you. And reminds you that His name says it all~